I Was Gonna Marry You
by Ahoy-Cinderella
Summary: AUish / "And late at night, when you're lying in your bed alone, wishing it was still our home, but we both know its too late"
1. Chapter 1

_Just so you know, just so you know_  
_I never thought you'd let me go_

.

Dinner was a quiet affair, a small table for two in the corner of a slightly busy restaurant built for romance. The burning candle that sat in a jar in the middle of the table shivered with the faint draft of their mixed breath as it floated over the table in silence.

Neither of them could finds the words, just wanting desperately to hold onto whatever shred was left of their relationship. They would never deny the love wasn't there because it was, it was shown in every touch of a hand, every smile on the end of the phone, every note pinned to the fridge, every quiet night in watching bad movies or sports games, every sideways glance when the other wasn't looking, every kiss good morning and every kiss at night.

The hand holding at three in the morning after a dreaded nightmare, every cup of coffee and breakfast that went uneaten, every passionate encounter in their bed that had been shared for over a year, the love was everywhere even if the words hadn't been spoken, they both knew for the first time in their lives, it was there.

Brian watched as Olivia played with her food having barely taken a bite, her silver fork gleaming in the dim candlelight as she moved the pasta from one side of the plate to the other. They hadn't planned for a break up when they decided to meet for dinner last minute; they hadn't planned for the admission of "I love you" and the quiet "Always will" that followed.

He sighed and gently reached over for her hand, his rough, calloused fingers gently touching the smooth skin on the back of her hand "Hey, you wanna get out of here?"

Olivia smiled sadly and nodded "Yeah"

Brian nodded and motioned for the waiter to clear their table and asked for the cheque. After quickly paying, the couple stood and he helped his girlfriend, ex-girlfriend with her coat before guiding her from the bistro.

They both stood in silence in the middle of the sidewalk, the cold breeze filtering through their bones, piercing their skin through their thick winter coats. Olivia gazed at the ground as Brian stood in front of her, his height, even if he was only slightly taller, seemed to tower over her and smother her entirely.

"What do we do now?" She whispered to herself, the cool wind carrying her voice to his ears

"Whatever you want to do, Liv" He replied quietly, his heart thudding in his chest "I can go to a motel if you want…"

Olivia's eyes brimmed with tears, the clear drops shining in the streetlights "So this is really it?" She breathed, "We're really over?"

"I want you to be happy" He shrugged "I don't know if I can do that for you"

"You already make me happy, Bri. Please don't ever doubt that" She smiled, quickly wiping a tear that fell from the corner of her eye

"Come on…" He reached for her, pulling her tight into his arms for pulling back, keeping one arm firmly around her shoulders as they slowly walked back to his car.

.

"I don't know what to do, I've never lived with a boyfriend before never mind lived with a boyfriend and then broken up with that boyfriend…how do we do this?" Olivia spoke fast, her nerves and anxiety building as they stood at opposite sides of the kitchen counter.

"Take a breath, we'll figure it out" Brian reached for her hands "You can keep the apartment…"

"I cant afford it on my own" She interrupted, "I don't think I can"

"Well we can…"

"Do you really want this?" Olivia interrupted again, pulling her hands back and placing them flat against the wooden counter top, "Do you really want to end this? Us?"

"Like I said Liv, we're out of sync, we were there for each other when we needed it." He said quietly, trying to find the right words to say, "I love you"

Olivia's heart clenched in her chest and she tried not to let her face show it, almost two years together and they've finally admitted their feelings for each other and in the same sentence ended that relationship.

"And I know you want a family, I want you to have a family because you are going to be the best mom in the world. You were born to be a mom" Brian smiled "I just don't know if I can give you that, you know what I'm like. I don't plan, I don't like plans, I never know what I want and at one point yeah, I thought about having a wife and kids and the whole American dream thing but now, I just don't know"

"Did you think about it before?" She asked quietly, not really wanting to hear the answer "Fifteen years ago, when we first hooked up and you wanted more, did you think about it then?" She tilted her head and stared at him, seeing the nostalgia in his eyes, the man she worked with over a decade ago, the bright-eyed, naïve detective who had a crush on his dream girl came back for a fleeting second.

"Don't answer that," She whispered, shaking her head.

"Yeah I thought about it" He replied, hating the honest nature that he seemed to have. "I wanted you, I wanted you in my life, forever I guess. I couldn't get you out of my head." He shrugged "But you were so determined, so passionate about the job that I knew I'd never get anywhere. You didn't need me, or want me and I got over it, took me a while but I did" He chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"There's nothing I can say to make you want that again?"

Her heart fell to the floor as tears shone in her eyes, if she hadn't been so defensive, so stubborn back in the day, so quick to dismiss him right off the bat, maybe she could have had it all, the normal family life she had always wanted, that could've happened.

"Why do I feel like I deserve this?" She laughed to herself "You wanted me all those years ago and now we've switched places. I want you and you…" She shrugged and dropped her hands to her sides.

"I don't wanna be your mistake Olivia." He admitted "I know you want a family, I know you want what I wanted all those years ago but I changed, a lot and I don't know if I'm ready for all of that, I don't know if I ever will be and I don't want you to settle. I don't want you to stay with me, in this out-of-sync ditch we seem to have gotten stuck in only to realise you could've lived out your dream with someone else…"

"I don't _need _a family, I can…"

"And I don't want you to give up that dream for me because that is not fair" He interrupted knowing exactly what she was about to say.

"Okay then" She mouthed before quickly moving to the bedroom, closing the door shut behind her and falling against it.

With her hand clasped over her mouth she let the tears fall, trying hard to keep from breaking out the sobs that were stuck clawing in her chest. She never imagined being so invested in a relationship without even realising. Brian had willingly taken a backseat to her job from the very beginning and it wasn't until now that she noticed.

Whenever they had plans to meet up it was always when she was free, regardless of whether he was on shift that night or not, he always made time for her. Then the ordeal with Lewis, he was there for her every single second. From the hospital when she was found to the end of the trial and all the nightmares, panic attacks and hard workdays in between.

Olivia quickly shook herself off and made her way into the adjoining bathroom, splashing her face with water, clearing the remnants of mascara that had flown with her tears down her face, she took a few deep breaths and glanced at the shelf beside her, his razor and cologne sat beside her make-up bag, the contents sprawled across the shelf taking up the majority of the space.

She glanced behind her to the large white tub, memories of shared baths and quick morning showers after a early morning fumble between the sheets causing them both to be late for work. Making her way back into the bedroom she kicked off her boots and sat on the end of the bed, she heard him moving around in the kitchen, probably tidying the place up a little just to keep himself busy.

.

After ten minutes of breathing space Olivia made her way quietly out of the bedroom, padding through to the kitchen in her bare feet after having changed into leggings and one of Brian's sweatshirts that she'd stolen from him when they first got together.

"Hey" He smiled lightly as she stood against the fridge facing him.

"Hi"

Olivia moved towards him, placing her hands on his denim covered knees before gently pulling them open, moving her body between them before sliding her hands up his strong thighs and under his shirt. Her nails gently grazed the skin of his sides as she lifted her head to face him, eye-to-eye.

"Liv…"

"Shut up" She whispered as she leaned forward on her tiptoes, pushing her lips against his.

It had been too long since they had made love like they used to, raw, passionate, pushing each other to their highest limit over and over again. After Lewis she had become drawn in, afraid to show herself, afraid of the judgement and pity he could have displayed towards her which made their previously active antics a little more conserved. If this really was the end, she was determined to make it go out with a bang, literally.

Brian's hands cupped her face, one hand sneaking into her hair, his fingers gently running through her dark, wavy strands, something that he knew made her weak, she had confessed that she loved when he toyed with her hair. He smirked against her mouth as she bit on his lower lip before pulling him forward. He clumsily fell from the counter, his arm wrapping tight around her body, keeping him from tumbling to the floor.

Moving both hands to the back of her head he pushed her against the refrigerator, his heart pounding hard when he felt her smile against his mouth. He pulled back and softly ran his thumb over her slightly swollen lips.

"You sure about this?"

"One more night" She whispered before pursing her lips against his thumb "Spend one more night with me"

Before he knew it, their mouths collided once more, her arms wrapped around his neck as their tongues battled for dominance, he followed her lead, the last thing he wanted was for her to fall into a panic.

He leaned down and grabbed her thighs, lifting her clean off the ground, her legs latching onto his hips as he quickly moved them towards the bedroom. A laugh and a yelp of his name broke free from her mouth as he stumbled, almost falling flat on the floor before he swiftly deposited her on the bed moving to lay over her body as she pulled him by the collar.

.

Olivia grinned and swallowed his groans as his hands grabbed at her hips, she bit his bottom lip gently between her teeth as her hand slowly gripped and stroked his solid member, her free hand got to work at removing his dark boxers, the final piece of clothing that was confined between them.

"Babe…" He growled as she pulled back from his mouth.

"Uh huh…" She muttered, fluttering her eyelashes, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she sat back, resting her naked weight on his thighs.

"You gotta…oh shit" Brian's eyes widened as she winked slyly and dipped her head, her warm mouth coming into contact with his hard length "You don't need…fuck, Liv" He moaned when she grabbed one of his hands and placed it on her head, she loved when he grabbed her hair.

Her body was on fire; it felt like it had been years since they had been this way with each other, so willing and open to anything. Watching him writhe under her, completely under her control turned her on more than she could ever imagine. She slipped her free hand down between her legs, her clit throbbing as she moaned; pressing her fingers softly against the swollen nub her body quaked. The vibrations from her continuous moaning against him almost killed him as he watched her touch herself. Moment's later Brian's body jolted in spasm as he released himself into her mouth, his fingers pulling at her hair as her name along with a few profanities spewed from his lips.

Olivia sat back on her knees, smirking, as he lay spent in the middle of the bed. Seconds later he was on her, his fingers rubbing her clit hard as he pulled her against him, she straddled his thighs, her nails digging into his shoulders as his fingers moved hard and fast against her.

Her head tipped back as she neared the inevitable edge, Brian gently kissed her collarbone before quickly slipping his hand lower, dipping two fingers straight into her wet heat, her muscles clenched around him as he slowly pushed in and out, adding a third causing her to buck against him and burying her face into his neck.

"Please" She panted against his skin, her hips moving against his hand

"What do you want baby?" He grinned and kissed her neck, stopping the movements of his hand, watching her grind on his fingers.

"Please" She pleaded, biting down on his shoulder

Brian kissed her damp skin before tightening his arm around her waist as he increased the speed of his fingers, pushing them faster against her as his palm bumped against her clit. He felt her body tremble in his arms, her teeth bite down on his shoulder and her muscles clench around his fingers before she let out a silent scream, her voice getting trapped in her throat as she threw her head back and dug her nails into the tight skin at his shoulders.

He leaned down, pulling her nipple into his mouth as she continued to thrash against him, her orgasm never ending as she cried out, her climax leaking from her body and running down his fingers as he continued his movements.

"Uh, god…" She groaned and grabbed his wrist, halting his fingers. She stared at him, mouth wide open, eyes black as night as she shuddered against him.

Brian smiled and grabbed her closer, skin to skin as he pressed his mouth to her, eyes wide open, staring intently at each other "So beautiful…" He murmured

"It won't stop" She chuckled, her body still trembling in his arms.

He held her close, his fingers softly running up and down her spine causing her to arch against him, the soft movements making her emotional.

"I love you" Her voice broke the silence, causing another wave of heartache to flood the room. Olivia immediately regretted the admission; she pushed herself back from him

"Hey" Brian grabbed her hands

"Sorry, I shouldn't have…"

"Liv…" He leaned forward and tucked her hair behind her ear "I love you too"

She shook of the pain and climbed back into his lap "Show me"

.

Her back arched clean off the bed, she called out his name and left red welts on his skin as her nails scraped hard. Brian bit down on the pillow beside her head, his groans of her name muffled in her ear. They collapsed against each other, laboured breathing, skin-on-skin, hands tangled beneath the pillows.

Brian rolled onto his back, pulling her with him, with his hands framing her face he kissed her hard, pouring everything he could, everything he was feeling into that one kiss.

Neither of them were ready to break apart, both wanting to keep the night lasting for as long as possible before they had to face the reality that right now at this point in their lives, they weren't met to be.

"I don't wanna go another thirteen years without seeing you" Olivia whispered

"You won't, I'll be here when you need me, any time, any day"

"Promise?" She pulled back, gazing into his eyes. Brian treasured the moment of vulnerability; it had been too long since she had let him in.

"Always"

.

Olivia woke the next morning, her body enveloped in Brian's arms and the heavy comforter. She lifted her head slightly, noticing the early morning sunrise trying to peak through the dark curtains, she moved her body slowly, trying hard not to wake the sleeping man next to her. Her fingers traced his stubble coated jaw, taking in every feature of his face.

It hit her hard in that moment that they had decided to part ways, their relationship just wasn't where it was supposed to be, both of them too preoccupied with work or future plans.

Brian had told her how he never saw himself growing old and she couldn't help but laugh, she knew he never planned for the future, he took it day by day just going with the flow. At one point in her life, she did too but right now she wanted too much, she wanted a family, a life that she had never had and was willing to give almost anything for and that was something she had to plan.

She just wished he wanted it too.

* * *

_ONE SHOT OR MULTI CHAPTER - YOU DECIDE._

_lyrics: I Was Gonna Marry You - Tristan Prettyman_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


	2. Chapter 2

_Only so much that my heart can take  
__It doesn't matter what you say_

.

The morning after the night before had been like any other, both waking in each other's arms to the harsh beeping of the alarm and slowly shuffling out of bed, Olivia showering while Brian made breakfast.

Twenty minutes later she wandered tiredly into the kitchen in her long, beige coloured robe, her hair; still damp from her shower had began to settle into its natural waves as she stood silently on the opposite side of the breakfast bar from him, offering a small, weak smile and a quiet 'thank you' as he handed her a mug of coffee. She glanced out the window, the streetlights still burning bright in the early hours of the dark, winter morning.

Brian swallowed a large mouthful of his own coffee; he didn't even flinch as the black liquid burned its way down the inside of his throat. His heart moved with a dull thud as the pair stood in silence, neither of them knowing what to say about the night before.

They both knew their relationship was over, the had both unwillingly agreed on it, thinking it made sense for them to part rather than be stuck in this vicious circle of misery they seemed to be swirling in. Olivia took a sly look over at Brian, his body sagged against the counter as he stared holes into the floor, they were already miserable and they hadn't even been apart for a day. How the hell were they supposed to deal with this?

"I'm gonna go get ready for work…" She said quietly, breaking the uneasy silence that clouded the kitchen.

"Sure, I'll go shower after your done in the bathroom…" He replied, their conversation awkward, as if they had both just met each other for the first time and this was the morning after a drunken one-night stand.

But it wasn't.

This was the morning after a break up that neither of them were honestly sure they wanted but they knew was for the best. A break up that seemed right in the moment they both agreed but now that it was becoming reality, was harder than they ever imagined.

.

Brian walked out of the bedroom fully dressed as Olivia dropped her cellphone into her jacket pocket and grabbed her purse from the couch. They stood in silence, both offering each other a sad smile. Neither of them knew how the day was going to end, who would come home and who would not? How were they going to split things? Who kept the apartment? How were they going to live without each other?

"Do you know when you'll finish today?" Olivia asked. Her voice was small even though she tried to be her usual confident self it was almost impossible.

Brian cleared his throat "Eh no, I have no idea, I'll let you know though if you want…"

"Its okay, I was just wondering" She smiled as she headed for the door "See you" She looked back for a second before quickly pushing herself out the front door, unable to keep herself in check as the tears flooded her dark eyes.

She pulled the door shut behind her, not even waiting to see if he followed her out, she just needed out, she needed to leave. The air was stifling; she felt the tension grabbing at her lungs, the panic of the unknown filtering through her body at the speed of light. Her constant over the last two years, the most serious relationship she'd ever had was coming to a screaming halt and she couldn't figure out how to deal with it.

Brian stood in the middle of the living room, glancing around at the place they had called home for just over a year now. The morning sun was just peaking over the New York City skyline, the mugs from earlier now half empty sat by the sink, magazines tangled with case files and NYPD forms littered the coffee table, her leather jacket hung on the back of the chair by the window and his black converse shoes were kicked under the table.

It looked like home, he wandered around the apartment for a few minutes before pulling his phone from his pocket and dialing the number he had become all too familiar with.

"Tucker, it's Brian…yeah, I can't come in today"

.

At her desk, Olivia stared blankly at the computer screen. The current DD5 stared back at her untouched as her thoughts drowned in a sea of hurt and confusion. She knew that this was the right thing to do, they hadn't been the same for months now and they were just going round and round in circles, becoming comfortable in their routine.

Part of her hated herself for admitting her true feelings. Just because Brian had finally admitted that he loved her, she finally heard those three words from a man she had fallen so deeply for, didn't mean she had to reciprocate, not when she knew they were breaking up right as those words fell from their lips, but she did.

She said those three words right back at him, threw them right in his face as they stood on the sidewalk, bundled up in winter coats, sheltering themselves for the sharp chill.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the thud of a manila folder landing by her right hand. "Liv, where are you today?" Fin leaned in slightly, his face twisted in concern for his long-time friend.

"I…what?" Olivia scrunched in confusion

"I've been talking to you for the last five minutes…are you okay?" He placed a hand on her shoulder and quickly glanced around the squad room. Amanda was busy with her paperwork and Murphy was on the phone in the office.

"You wanna talk about it?" He offered

"I'm fine, Fin" She smiled and clapped her hand over his "Just too busy to focus on anything it seems…" She gave a small chuckle and picked up the file.

"Maybe you should go home, take a sick day for the rest of today and get some rest. You've been non-stop these last couple of months."

"Everyone has Fin, I'm not the only one who's been here too much" She replied. She braced herself, waiting for a comment about Lewis or the trial but it never came, Fin knew her better than to trudge up the past.

"Okay, suit yourself" He smiled "Just remember when you do need to leave early, I'm not covering for you" Fin smirked and walked back to his desk, chuckling as he went.

Olivia smiled and shook her head; she tried to concentrate on the file in front of her, something about a college student being attacked on her way back from the library just off campus, no witnesses…

She gave up and began staring into space yet again, her mind buzzing, wanting nothing more than to curl up on the couch and sleep for the rest of the week.

.

"What are you doing?"

Brian whipped round to see Olivia standing in the doorway, her eyes wide with shock as her purse hung from her hand, her eyes darted around the room taking in the sight of cardboard boxes and a few bags.

"I erm…I just thought I'd get this done before you came back" He looked around at his belongings all scattered into the boxes, mainly CD's, DVD's, a few books, photos etc. He had filled three bags with his clothes already, just pulling them out of the drawers and the closet, not even caring whether they got messed up or not.

"Why?" He tried to ignore the fact that he could hear her voice break; he could see the tears brimming in her eyes and her voice getting trapped in her throat.

"I'm gonna crash at my mom's for a bit, until I find another place"

Walking in the door Olivia had forgotten, just for a second that they had broken up, the reality set in as soon as she saw the cardboard boxes on the couch. "What about…" She didn't even know how to finish the sentence, what about the apartment? What about the stuff they had bought together? What about her?

"I just thought it would be easier to get it done now." He shrugged, "That way I can get out of your hair and we can start moving on…"

_I don't want to move on_ she thought to herself as she nodded "Yeah, maybe it's for the best" She replied quietly and walked into the bedroom, dumping her purse on the floor by the bookshelf as she strolled past.

Brian stood in the middle of the living room, a couple of old DVDs in his hand that he promptly dumped into one of the boxes on the floor before following her into the bedroom. He came to a stand still at the door, his eyes never leaving her as she sat on the edge of the bed and sighed.

Olivia twisted her head a little; trying to work the kinks out of her neck "This is it" She smiled sadly, her body still enveloped in her long, black, winter coat.

"Yeah" He nodded, folding his arms over his chest. "I can call the realtor tomorrow, have my name taken off the lease and all of that stuff"

"Okay" She nodded, staring past him to the hallway that lead into the open plan living area. "Thanks"

"How was work?" Brian spoke up after a few moments of silence

"Fine, the usual really…" She replied, "Did you even go today?"

He shook his head with a smirk "Called Tucker and said I wouldn't be in" His expression changed "Thought I'd get a head start on packing up. I can load all of this into the car so there's no need for a van or anything, I've got mostly everything done, just a few bits and pieces left…"

"Stop talking, Bri" She muttered as she let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding and ran her hands threw her hair "Please, just stop talking"

"Sorry" He mumbled before pointing back towards the living room "I'll just…" He began to leave only to hear her quiet voice behind him.

"This is harder than I thought it was going to be"

.

"Just think, at least you don't have to deal with seeing this everyday" Brian tried to joke as he held up his cattle skull.

Olivia walked out of the bedroom almost an hour later dressed in a plain white t-shirt and black yoga pants. She tried to laugh, playing along with his if-we-joke-about-this-maybe-it'll-be-easier game but it wasn't working.

_If it meant having you here, I'd wear it round my neck for the rest of my life _She wanted to admit that to him, badly. She wanted to tell him this was a stupid idea, she wanted to beg him to stay and not to leave her but Olivia Benson didn't beg.

The one time she did it was at the hands of William Lewis and she was begging for her life. She knew that life would go on with or without Brian, she would carry on her regular day to day life, working too many hours at SVU, not taking enough time to make a life for herself. The mistakes she had made so far, now that Brian would no longer be in her life she knew she would carry on making them. The plans of having kids one day, having a family, to her they were reachable in her mind, she could daydream for months about how her life could be but in reality, deep down in her heart she knew that none of it would truly happen. Having Brian out of her life just meant she was back at square one. She had more time to mope around and work too many hours and run herself into the ground until she broke.

The idea of having a family was wonderful, but all she could do was hope. She wanted Brian but he didn't want a family, not that she knew of and he was too good a man to let her give up on that dream. Knowing she would be an amazing mother, there was no way he would let her give that up just for him.

"I'll take as much as I can with me tonight," He started "And I'll come and get the rest tomorrow, is that…if that's okay?" He asked hesitantly, watching as her eyes trained on the cattle skull.

Olivia nodded slowly and turned back into the kitchen, she filled the kettle and placed it on the hob, waiting for it to boil. "You want one?" She held up a mug and smiled.

"I…sure" He nodded "I'll start taking these out to the car" He muttered and lifted two boxes from the coffee table, manoeuvring his way out the front door to the elevator.

.

The next again day Brian came over, like he said he would to collect the rest of his stuff.

"It'll be weird sleeping here alone" She admitted as they were about to say their final goodbyes "I mean, I've done it before but you always came back…"

Brian felt his arms twitch at his sides; the need to grab her and hold her was almost unbearable. They had been through so much, his shooting, demotion, nightshifts, and finally his IAB stint, the Lewis ordeal, her promotion. "God, I'm gonna miss you" He chuckled sadly, shuffling his feet on the floor as he stood a few feet away from her.

Olivia sat perched on the arm of the couch as Brian stood with his gym bag in his hand. "I'm gonna miss you too" She replied honestly "I've never been a part of a break up that neither one wanted but knew we had to before"

"Yeah, me neither"

"I've also never had a guy take me to the Bahamas before" She chuckled, remembering back to the weeks after his shooting, his drugged up suggestion that they forget new york and sneak off at Christmas to somewhere with sunshine and where no one knew their names.

"Yeah, that was something else" He smirked as he thought back to their week away basking in the sunshine, being able to act like a normal couple for once.

"I don't know how to say goodbye to you" Olivia shrugged, her voice broken as she tried to fight back the tears; her fingers gripped the arm of the couch as she watched him drop the gym bag on the floor.

_Then don't _He wanted to say but he knew he couldn't. He knew that this break up, even if it didn't seem like it right now, was something she wanted, something she needed so she could figure herself out, to find out whom she was again after everything that had happened between them. She had said so herself that they were each other's rocks during the worst times in their lives and maybe that's all it was.

"Come here" He stepped forward and pulled her into his arms, with one arm around her waist and the other around her shoulder he held her close and kissed her forehead.

"You'll be fine" He smiled into her hair "And if you ever need anything you know where I am, just call me and I'll come running" He pulled back and gave her a sad smile "I promise"

"That's very romantic of you Brian Cassidy" She chuckled

"Don't tell anyone, I have a reputation," He whispered

"Be careful okay?" She pressed her palm against his chest, right where his bullet scars were "I don't want a phone call from Tucker saying you've been shot again"

"I'll be fine" He smiled and picked her hand from his chest and kissed her palm "And so will you" Brian winked and quickly kissed her forehead before walking to the front door.

"See you around, Liv"

.

* * *

_yes / no / what_

_twitter: ahoycinderella_


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